Blog Post #8: Self Forgiveness

Self forgiveness: self forgiveness is an important tool in building and sustaining resilience. It is my impression that most of us have a difficult time doing this. We often are quite hard on ourselves and often unforgiving. So how do we do this? As I've said in this blog in the past you can never change anything if you cannot recognize and accept that it exists. This is an essential step in changing anything. Talking with others is one of the ways that we can move toward that recognition. There are things in most of our lives that we have some feelings of guilt about. Talking about these things openly with others will help us to shed the guilt and the shame which makes it hard for us to move on. Numerous studies both in psychology and sociology have shown this to be true.

Move ahead with self forgiveness means that we often need to revisit the expectations that we have of ourselves. This can be one of the main causes of stress in our lives. If we are unrealistic in our expectations about how things must go in our lives will contribute to our inability to forgive ourselves. Having too many things on the line into many places is a certain recipe for stress and the feeling that we have failed. We may need to revisit our failures or at least what we have labeled as failures. Rethink these situations. What obstacles did we encounter? What resources did we have? Yes you might be able to do it differently today than you did then. Hopefully you've learned from this experience. But given the knowledge and resources you had at the time and the obstacles that you confronted at the time did you do the best you could have done? Chances are the answer is yes. Stop labeling yourself as a failure. It is not helpful. Each failure is really a learning experience.If a close friend or family member handled the situation the way you did would you label them as a failure? If not, then why are you labeling yourself as one?

It may be helpful to write down what you would do now if you were dealing with the same situation. By doing this you can see what you've learned from the past so you will not make the same mistakes again. Get off your own back.Don't harp on the past. It is easy for us to find evidence that we should have behaved differently. Look for evidence that contradicts this argument. When you did you do things right and handle things well? Dispute the negative. Focus on times when you were more than enough.

If there is an opportunity to make amends or to tie up loose ends do it. And then write a letter to yourself and maybe also to one of the people that you are feeling you have somehow wronged. Express yourself. It is good to release feelings on paper especially the ones that are keeping you stuck in the past. You don't have to send the letter. In fact you may create a number of drafts and maybe the last one you send.

Ron Breazeale, PhD