Blog Post #15: Racism & Sexism Pt 3
In the last post we talked about racism and sexism and how the assertive formula can be used to confront these prejudices. Remember that the formula has four parts. The first part is to describe what you're responding to and do this as clearly and objectively as possible without attributing motives to the other person. As we said the person may have no intention of being hurtful. The second part is to say how you feel. Express your feelings. Do this by owning the feelings and making I statements. One of the quickest ways to get into a confrontation with someone is to tell them that they are making you feel a certain way. Don't make that mistake. The third part is to make a request of the individual. A request not a demand. Be clear and specific about this. And the fourth part is to make a commitment as to what you will do if they honor your request
Assertive behavior like any new skill or activity must be practiced. You need to try it out and do it. If you can be assertive at the time that's great. If not you can give some thought to what you want to say and practice what you want to say before you say it also works. You undoubtably will have other opportunities to assert yourself in this situation and you can always bring up what happened the day before. For example "When we were talking yesterday and you said..."
Keep in mind that people who often say and do racist or sexist things knowingly and with the intent of hurting the other person may have been hurt themselves at some point. The perpetrator of their hurt may indeed be a woman or man or person of a different color. A good friend of mine was very prejudiced against people who were black because when the riots came to New Jersey in the 60s his father's business was burned. Another friend of mine was quite angry with what appeared to be all men because she had been deeply hurt by number of men in her life. The prejudice made some sense but their history did not justify them acting on their prejudice.
Sometimes people have racist or sexist attitudes not because they have been hurt by a particular group but because the group is a good target for them to vent the anger that they feel. The anger they express may have nothing to do with the group or the individual they direct it toward. Some politicians have been very good at channeling and directing peoples general anger and unhappiness. Some politicians will tell you to blame a particular minority or group for your problems and you may feel quite justified in hating this group or acting in a racist or prejudicial fashion. Confronting these individuals usually is not very helpful trying to talk with them about why they feel the way they do may be more useful. Try to understand the source of the prejudicial and racist attitudes.
Ron Breazeale PhD